Is There a Textbook Way To Deal With Bullying?

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How are you supposed to deal with bullying?  Is there a textbook that explains exactly how to deal with bullying?  You can read all the stuff online, but in my opinion, every situation is different because nobody is the same.  We all operate differently, which makes it hard to have one certain set of directions to deal with a bullying situation.

Growing up, I didn’t pick on people but rather stuck up for everyone who got picked on, because it just broke my heart, and if my parents had ever found out I was bullying anyone, I wouldn’t be writing this today.  Seriously, like my kids, growing up I had very few rules: don’t pick on people, lie, cheat, steal, and always stand up for your family, yourself, and what you believe in.

It breaks my heart that my kids, or any other child for that matter, have had to deal with bullies.  I am so thankful that my kids are not bullies; really, I think a lot of it has to do with having a handicapped brother.  They see things differently than a lot of kids, and they see the way people look at their brother differently, and it hurts them.

Last week I got a call from the school: “Mrs. Worden, you’re daughter has been suspended for fighting in the bathroom.”  I already know what has happened, so I jump in my car and hurry down to the school.  Just as I suspected, Vayda had it; she wasn’t going to take it anymore.  She has been being bullied by a girl for a long time, and she finally had her fill.

Come to find out the little girl hit her 3 times, when Vayda went to the bathroom the girl was in there and hit her again.  Vayda finally hit her back, and it went on from there.  Bottom line, could this have been avoided?  I don’t know, I do think the teachers could have done a little more, but it would have continued until Vayda stuck of for herself.  Vayda didn’t hurt the little girl, she could have yes.  Vayda is much bigger than her, but we do not raise our children to fight, or pick on anyone.  I do however raise them to stand up for themselves.

I recently found out that Vayda had been being picked on for a while, and now that it’s out in the open, I understand why her grades dropped and she lost her positive self-esteem.  When she finally came out and told me about it, we talked about how to handle it, and I did tell my daughter that if she ever felt like she was in a place where she needed to fight back, she would not ever get in trouble for standing up for herself.  We talked about what the girl was doing, talking to the teachers, which did NOTHING! They never even called me, but that’s a story for another day.

Personally, I am glad my daughter stuck up for herself; she didn’t get into any trouble when she came home, and we hung out and talked about everything.  I told her she did nothing wrong, because seriously, if someone hit you 3 times and followed you in the bathroom to hit you again, what would you do?  I am proud of her; it takes a lot to stand up for yourself. She maintained herself well; the little girl hit her, Vayda hit her back, and I think they did a little screaming, but Vayda walked out and told the teacher what happened.  She was suspended from school for the day, but she’s not getting picked on anymore. I realize we are lucky that the bully wasn’t worse, and this incident made me realize what other families might be dealing with.

I’m happy that the bully has finally stopped picking on her, embarrassing her, but something even better she’s also stopped picking on everyone else in the class.  All this time being bullied has really hurt my daughter’s self-esteem, and it’s hurt in academically, and it has shown in her personality as well.  She’s finally back to her old self, and it happened from the moment I picked her up from school!  There’s my daughter, the past week has done great in school, because she doesn’t have someone following her around calling her names.

I’m thankful that Vayda was able to stop the bully, but it makes me think about the girls out there who can’t.  What about those who are being picked on by large groups?  It’s scary; bullying is something to worry about, and it’s important for parents to pay attention to warning signs and maintain a healthy relationship with their kids.  We cannot fix everything, but we can try our best to help where we can.  Vayda dealing with her bully really opened my eyes to how much worse it could have been and what some kids are dealing with out there.  It’s scary, and the effects it can have can be lifelong.

Sadly, bullying is a big deal and a huge problem. It hurts children, bashes their self-esteem, makes them do poorly in school, and makes them not want to go to school or do things they used to enjoy.  It can send a perfectly healthy child into depression mode, and if it’s not handled with gloves, it can also get someone hurt.  Bullying hurts, and no kid should have to deal with it; sadly, most of us have experienced it at some point.

Some bullies are looking for attention and will pick on anyone who’s not willing to stand up for themselves.  Some bullies are just copying things they have seen, so it’s normal for them.  Pushing, name-calling, being mean—it’s what they have learned from someone in their life.  Other times, bullies are fully aware of what they are doing; they know what they are doing hurts but don’t understand or care about the other person’s feelings.  In my opinion, things get scary when there is a group picking on one person, because really, what is one person supposed to do?  Fight a group of 6?  Most bullies will pick on someone they have power over.

Regardless of why a bully picks on someone, it hurts. It’s the biggest threat to a girl’s positive self-image, and I’ve witnessed it with my daughter!  What are other threats to a girl’s positive self-image?

• Media: It’s everywhere—the images of the “perfect” girls.  You cannot stand in line at the grocery store without seeing someone “perfect” on the cover of a magazine.  Again, I think it’s best to talk to your kids.
• Inappropriate social media usage: My oldest daughter lost her social media page because of inappropriate usage.  Nothing crazy, just saying things she should like, like where she is, what she is doing, who she is with, where they are going next, and that she is home alone and board.  Those kinds of things are probably my fault for not spending more time teaching her the proper way to use social media.  I did learn that kids will tell you EVERYTHING, and just because they are teenagers doesn’t mean they stop.  Now I trust her with it, I do check it yes, it’s my job as a mother, but I don’t snoop and never will unless I have a reason to, and my kids know that.  I allow them their space and don’t snoop unless I have a reason, and in that case I will turn their room upside down, read deleted message, and do anything else I have to do, but instead of doing that, I try my best to keep a good relationship.
• Poor relationships with parents: In my opinion, this is the most important, and we as parents control our relationship with our kids.  Start young, be there, and grow with your child.  That’s one thing I learned from my mom; rather than growing with me, she tried to keep me small and rule me, which caused me to run.  I think it’s important we learn to grow with our children; they change, and as parents, we need to accept that and allow them to maintain a good relationship with us as they get older.

What are some other things you do to be a positive role model for your kids, or kids in your life?