16 Ways to Protect Children from Toxic Stress After Divorce

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Divorce is all too common. No matter how civilized the divorce, children almost inevitably suffer. Even parents with the best of intentions can cause long-term damage if they are not aware of the toxic stress that can result from divorce and its impact on children.

Did you know children who come from a divorced-parent household are more likely to divorce themselves in later life? My marriage ended rather nastily—not just for me, but for my children.  Thinking back on all the emotions and stress I felt, it breaks my heart to think of how the divorce affected my children. They not only had to face the fact that we were getting divorced, but that their father had abandoned them.  One day he was there, and the next day he was gone. It was difficult for all of us, but I was able to heal. They still feel abandoned. 

Toxic stress affects children’s brain development, suppresses their immune system, and can even cause learning and memory issues. And it doesn’t stop there. Children exposed to toxic stress grow up with a higher risk of developing substance abuse problems, depression, heart disease, and more. This is why it’s critical that we know what to look for and how to help our children manage stress so it doesn’t become toxic.

Thankfully, the trauma caused by abandonment, divorce, and other adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) doesn’t have to impact our children for a lifetime. Read this science-based advice on how to protect your children from toxic stress.

Divorce: 16 Ways to Protect Children from Its Toxic Stress

1. Learn more about toxic stress

Toxic stress is caused by one or more Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) that are damaging and often life-changing for a child.  Toxic stress can affect child behavior, immunity, learning and growth. When a child is exposed to high doses of adversity, like abuse, he or she needs a loving adult in their life to help. These children have a great risk of cancer, depression, chronic illness, heart disease, substance abuse, obesity, teen pregnancy, smoking, and a shorter life expectancy.  Yes, ACEs can affect them into their adult years, but we can take steps to protect them from toxic stress and its lifelong impact.

2. Take the ACE Quiz for your child

First, you need to know if your child is at risk for toxic stress linked to ACEs.  Had your child suffered any life-changing events that may have caused toxic stress?  There are a number of events that may cause toxic stress, including:

• Abuse—physical or emotional
• Neglect—physical or emotional
• Sexual abuse
• Abandonment
• Divorce
• Mental illness in the family
• Substance abuse by a family member
• Having an incarcerated parent or caregiver
• Witnessing a violent relationship

To see whether your child is at risk for ACEs and learn more about toxic stress and how you can help you and your child, you can visit the Stress Health website.

It’s up to us, as parents and caregivers of the beautiful young lives entrusted to us, to do everything we can to help our children recover from life-altering events. You can start now by taking the ACEs Quiz to see if your child is at risk for toxic stress. It’s just 10 questions and could be the turning point your child needs in his or her life.

3. Find out whether you have suffered from childhood trauma

It’s important, as parents, that we look back on our own childhood and see if we experienced traumatic, life-changing events as children. Parents who have ACEs often find it difficult to stay calm when in situations in which other parents often stay calm. This is due to the constant stress they experienced as children and how their bodies learned to respond to the stress.  Understanding your own childhood trauma can help you help your child.

You can help your child heal by taking the ACEs Quiz and starting your own journey toward healing from your own childhood trauma.

4.  Know the symptoms

You know your child best so it’s important to pay attention to their behavior.  Here are a few (but not all) symptoms of toxic stress:

• Overeating
• Compulsive behaviors
• Poor coping skills
• Unusual mood swings
• Fear and anxiety, which is triggered by people/places that remind them of their past,
• Crying more than usual
• Learning problems
• Behavior issues
• Sleep problems

5. Validate their feelings

It’s important to validate your child’s feelings about the divorce. Just let them know you are aware that they are sad, understand they miss the other parent, and let them know it’s okay for them to feel the way they do. I’ve had to put extra focus on this even three years later with my youngest. When I let her know that it is okay to be sad, it helps her to open up and talk about what she is feeling rather than hold on to it and allow it to consume her.

6. Ask what would make them feel better

Asking your children what would make them feel better lets them know you care how they are feeling and will do what you can to make it better. At first, they might tell you that they want mom and dad back together, and that’s okay. You can always offer an alternative proposal, like watching a movie together, teaching them to cook something, or just going for a walk together.  Try getting in some quality bonding time.

7. Make sure to remind them it’s not them

Seriously, I don’t think you can do this too much. If your child is upset or talking about the divorce, make sure to remind them that they are not the cause of it and that they are loved no matter what. It took a while, but my kids finally know the divorce and their father’s abandonment are not their fault. I know they still wrestle with it a bit because he isn’t an active part of their lives, but they don’t blame themselves.

8. Support honesty

Be sure to encourage your children to be honest. They will be experiencing a lot, and it’s important they know they can talk about it.  Whether it’s their feelings about the situation or meeting their dad’s new girlfriend, encourage them to be honest. Let them know that admitting they had fun with dad’s new friend isn’t going to make you feel like less of a parent. It might hurt, I can’t lie, but you have to remember that you want people in their lives to love them. You will always be the mom and just be thankful they enjoy spending time with their dad’s girlfriend.  Trust me, you are lucky if she treats them well and spends time with them.

9. Make sure they know their opinion matters

On another note, make sure they can be honest with you about people in your life. You have to ask them how they feel about this new person you are dating. Just let them know they matter; you care about their feelings and want to know how they feel—tthe good, bad, and ugly.

Remember, their opinions do matter because our lives affect their lives, and they only have one childhood to live. It’s important they know they are our priority and their voice matters, even if we don’t agree.

10. It’s okay to be wrong, but be willing to admit what you did and how it impacted them

Seriously, in this case, I think the best thing I did with my kids was talk to them. Just talk to them as if they were your friends ( in a parental fashion, of course). Tell them what you did wrong, what you would do differently, and how you feel for putting them in that situation, and just let them know you are sorry.  My kids are amazing; they understand it’s okay to be wrong, but that we have to face what we have done rather than pretend it didn’t happen. It’s helped them heal and be able to admit their wrongs too.

11. You don’t have to do everything right, but you have to be supportive

Children understand more than they are often given credit for. They understand people make mistakes and they forgive easily, but you have to be willing to admit your mistakes and be supportive. And no matter how tempting, make sure you do not badmouth your ex.

12. Make them feel safe

When life changes from one day to the next, it’s easy to get caught off balance. Routines get messed up, and emotions are high. This is when you need to try to maintain a healthy routine.  Kids need to feel safe, and having a routine they are used to can give them a sense of safety during this traumatic time.

13. Be generous with hugs and fun

Give your kids lots of hugs and love!  Just let them know every day that you love them and give them a hug. Have fun together, too—ggo to the park, have lunch, or watch a movie. Don’t forget to enjoy this time with your children.

14. Try to see the positive side of things

I teach my kids to try to look for the positive side of things, even during a tough time. My kids were faced with way too many traumatic events in a short period of time. It was hard to see positive anything, but my kids managed to. Yes, and my kids shared this with me about two years ago:  Their dad’s leaving was hard, but our relationship is like never before. I don’t know that we would have developed this incredible relationship without the trauma of divorce. Why? Because we all needed each other, we were all vulnerable and hurt, and we helped one another through it. I shared how I was feeling with my kids and told them that it was okay to feel the way they felt. I validated their feelings by allowing them to see that I was hurt, upset, confused, angry and lost, too, but I let them know that we were strong and would make it out of this together. I made sure they knew they were safe and I would never leave them.

15. Do not be scared to reach out for help

My kid’s school is amazing. I talked to them about everything that was going on, and they started talking to the girls. It helped my oldest a lot; she didn’t feel so alone because her counselor’s mother and father divorced, and her father wasn’t around either. It helped her start to open up and not feel ashamed. Over time, it’s helped her see that she isn’t alone.

However, talking to the counselor at school didn’t solve everything. It wasn’t until about a year after their father left they started to show behavior changes.  My youngest went from being confident and social to distant and self-conscious. It’s heartbreaking to see what our actions as parents can do to them, I know it’s not all me, but I know I could have done things better. Had I known then what I know now, I would have done things a lot differently. I can’t control their father’s actions, but I should have controlled my own better.

16. Join the movement! Together, we can help families move past adversity in healthy ways.

To learn more about toxic stress and to take the ACE Quiz, visit StressHealth.org.

This article was done in partnership with Stress Health, an initiative of the Center for Youth Wellness. All opinions are my own.